How Much Do I Hate People?

I was supremely convicted this morning as I did my blog hopping and went to one of my favorites.  MckMama posted a blog about Christianity and tolerance.  I skimmed through till I saw she had posted a video by a self-proclaimed atheist about sharing the gospel.  Ouch.

RN - More Than Just a Suffix to My Name

I sent this out to my supporters and family and I thought I'd post it here:

A crazy 16 months of nursing school has finished!!!  It's hard to believe, but Saturday, December 5, was my graduation ceremony where I was pinned as a nurse.  They tell me I'm prepared to be an RN on pretty much any floor.  I'll maybe believe it after three months of orientation for a job.  The even better news is that I took the NCLEX (or nursing boards) on December 21st! Despite the fact that I took a computer test, they made me wait an agonizing 48 hours to find out if I had passed.  It was the best Christmas present ever to get online Wednesday morning and see that I could start introducing myself as Rachel Fuller, RN.  I'm now waiting for my license number.

 

Wherever I go, people ask, "what's next?"  I'm asking myself the same question.  This last semester of school I worked in the Neonatal ICU for my precepted clinical (I was one on one with a nurse).  Up until that clinical, I had enjoyed every type of nursing I had seen or done, except for the OR.  However, all those floors paled in comparison to being in the NICU.  I loved every minute of being there. The job search is not as easy as I thought it would be. Despite the so-called "nursing shortage," there are very few new graduate jobs.  It becomes a catch-22.  No one wants to hire someone without experience, but how does one get experience without being hired.

So far I've applied to about twenty jobs.  Most of them have turned me down due to a lack of experience.  I'm still waiting to hear about NICU jobs in Columbia and Jacksonville, FL.  I've also been speaking to someone at Northside Hospital in Atlanta about a potential NICU job there, but it hasn't been posted yet.  The same is true for the NICU at MUSC in Charleston.  It's easy to get discouraged about the job search.  Every nurse recruiter that I've spoken to from Hilton Head, SC to Seattle, Washington says the same thing: "I know you've heard this a lot, but there just aren't a lot of jobs for new grads." 

However, I remember from where the Lord has brought me and how He has faithfully provided for me and I know that I can rest in His timing.  My mom reminds me daily that our history is to come from behind: raising support at the very last minute and being on the waiting list at MUSC are just two examples of how the Lord is provided faithfully, even when it wasn't necessarily on my time schedule.

I love the devotional Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  The morning I took the NCLEX, this is what I read:

My plan for your life is unfolding before you.  Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back.  Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears - through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles - and you will.  Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory. Ps 63:2, 2 Cor 5:7, John 11:40.

I thought it was perfect for this season of my life and may it encourage you as well.

Crafted to be a Helpmate

In the days of wearing dresses and hairbows to play on the playground, I knew one day I would get married and be a wife and a mother.  I put my baby siblings in my doll bed and doll stroller and pretended they were my own children.  My best friend, Keely, and I played house, making our brothers be the men.  They were commanded to go hunt something so we could cook dinner.  Every book I read taught me that one day it would be my turn to fall in love and have my own children. I watched my parents as they interacted with each other and nurtured me.  Never did it cross my mind that a man like my dad would not pursue me one day.  I know that God created me as a helpmate, like he created Eve for Adam. I know that He gave me these desires.

So would God create me to be a helpmate and give me the desires to be a wife and a mother, but plan something else for me?  At this stage of my life, I have fewer and fewer single friends.  It seems the era of weddings is coming to an end and I'm entering the era of babies.  Of the single friends I do have, there is a common thread of conversations that asks this same question.

This question tends to lead to a whole host of other questions that my friends and I have asked: have I missed my chance because I said no to someone I shouldn't have?  Did the guy I'm supposed to marry not give me a chance? If I am to be single, what do I do with the desires to be a helpmate? So you may argue that I don't need to be worried yet...I still have plenty of time to meet and marry someone...I realize this.  I'm just saying....

Lately, I've found myself with the gut feeling that I'm not going to get married.  I shared it with my family and my dad promptly responded, "that's because the Lord is coming back really really soon! I just know it!" Maybe it really is an instinct...maybe the Lord is preparing me for something else.  My fear though, is that it's a resignation; an unwillingness to trust the Lord with my heart.

All of my wonderings and worryings and failings prompt me to once again surrender myself to the Lord and choose to trust Him.  The last time I wrote I mentioned a hymn called "Satisfied," that I had heard at church.  When I googled the lyrics, Red Mountain Church was at the top of the list.  They have produced several albums of rearranged hymns.  In staying this last week and a half with Mandie, she's fully introduced me to their music.  As I sit here writing, I've been listening to one of their albums and am struck by a hymn by Charles Wesley:

"Jesus, Lover of My Soul"

1. Jesus, lover of my soul,
   Let me to Thy bosom fly,
   While the nearer waters roll,
   While the tempest still is high.
   Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
   Till the storm of life is past;
   Safe into the haven guide;
   Oh, receive my soul at last.
2. Other refuge have I none,
   Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
   Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
   Still support and comfort me.
   All my trust on Thee is stayed,
   All my help from Thee I bring;
   Cover my defenseless head
   With the shadow of Thy wing.
3. Wilt Thou not regard my call?
   Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
   Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
   Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
   Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
   While I of Thy strength receive,
   Hoping against hope I stand,
   Dying, and behold, I live.
4. Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
   More than all in Thee I find;
   Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
   Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
   Just and holy is Thy Name,
   Source of all true righteousness;
   Thou art evermore the same,
   Thou art full of truth and grace.
5. Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
   Grace to cover all my sin;
   Let the healing streams abound;
   Make and keep me pure within.
   Thou of life the fountain art,
   Freely let me take of Thee;
   Spring Thou up within my heart;
   Rise to all eternity.

What theology! I'm reminded of my sin and my need for Jesus.  How is it that I so often choose to wallow in my self-misery instead of choosing to live with joy that Jesus Christ has saved me?  He has saved me and his grace covers all my sin! Lord Jesus, make and keep me pure within. You are the fountain of life.  Let me take freely from you.  Spring up within my heart! Jesus, that is my cry.

Satisfied

We sang this song on Sunday...who knew it was a remake of an old hymn? Not I. Struck by the chorus I came home and googled the lyrics:

All my life long, I had thirsted

For a drink from some cool spring,

That I hoped would quench the burning

Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the filth around me,

Till my strength was almost gone,

Longed my soul for something better,

Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,

Something that would satisfy,

But the dust I gathered round me

Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,

Bread of life so rich and free,

Untold wealth that never faileth,

My Redeemer is to me.

Hallelujah! He has found me

The One my soul so long has craved!

Jesus satisfies all my longings

Through His blood I now am saved.

That is my desire: to truly say that He has satisfied all my longings. When I sing it, I can say in that moment that my desire is to be satisfied in Him. It's when I get caught up in the things around me, that I forget that He is all I desire. It's not a secret how much I desire a family. It's not made any easier by the fact that I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE! Not only that, but I've counted thirteen plus friends, five of whom are close friends, who are either pregnant now or have had babies in the last five months. I want it to be me....

So, daily I must remind myself that Jesus, not a husband or children, is the One my soul so long has craved. When I wake up in the morning and face the day, when I hear men tell their wives they love them, when I see pregnant moms rub their bellies, when I ponder all the decisions I must make alone about the future, and when I go to bed and wish I had someone with whom to process the days events; these are the moments I must choose to rejoice in the One who has found me and redeemed me and made me His own.

I'm so thankful He has found me, and adopted me....and daily forgives my wayward, ungrateful heart.

Preposterous Faithfulness

The book of Ruth is small. So small, in fact, that in my 90 day reading through the Bible, it does not even have its own day. It's couched on both sides by the end of Judges and the beginning of 1 Samuel. I read it yesterday and though I can list the books of the Old Testament faster than anyone you know, I was surprised when I came upon it. It consists of four short chapters, easy to miss when surrounded by books of import and grandeur.

I have to admit, as much as I like the story of Ruth, I'm more drawn to the story of Esther, the other woman to have a book of the Bible named for her. I can learn from Ruth, but I want to be Esther. That is, until yesterday.

The Lord opened my eyes to new things from the book of Ruth. In previous readings I focused on the development of the relationship between Ruth and Boaz. Of course I was drawn to the love story that unfolded. What girl isn't? I had never before questioned why Ruth followed Naomi. I didn't think about the fact that she was given the opportunity to return to her family. I put myself in her shoes. I married a foreigner and now my husband is dead, along with my brother-in-law and my father-in-law. We hadn't even had children yet. My mother-in-law tells me to go back to my family because she has no more sons to continue the family name. Now, other than my husband, my family is the most precious thing to me in the world. Yet, for some strange reason, I'm compelled to go with my mother-in-law back to her own country. This is crazy!!! I know women who have good relationships with their mother-in-law, but for Ruth to actually say goodbye to her family and leave her own country to go with her is absurd. It's not mentioned in the text, but I have to attribute it to the Lord speaking to her. Why else would she leave her home and her country and go to a foreign land with a woman who changes her name to mean "bitter?" The consequences of this action are huge: if she had never gone with Naomi to Bethlehem, King David would never have been born and thus would have ended the genealogy leading to Jesus the Messiah.

The next time I wonder why God is leading me in a certain, seemingly nonsensical, direction, I will remember Ruth and the continuation of the Messianic line by her faithfulness to Naomi. I will trust the Lord that He is working out His marvelous plan even if I can only see the barest fragment of the picture.

Oh and if you're interested in the 90 day reading through the Bible, you can find it here.

"Single at Sea"

Recently I was strolling along the battery and waterfront with two friends discussing what type of boat best represents our personalities and/or lives. Though I'd like to be a sailboat, sometimes my life feels more like a small rowboat. We moved on to discussing what our names would be and I was at a loss as to what I would name my little boat, until I read an article on Boundless about the ship of singleness. That is me...I'm "Single at Sea." The author of the article, describes the conflict between the desire to get married and the uncertainty that God is calling her to get married. She writes, "Often I feel like a capable captain aboard my little ship, but other times I sit down very small and swallow a lump in my throat as I face out at that big, big world. The waves lapping at my boat are the only sound. Still, as unsteady as my footing can feel, being out at sea is an adventure with a lot to teach me..... Life as a single woman may feel frighteningly untethered, but all this expanse of sky has a lot to teach me about the vastness of God and His infinite wonder, power and love. Singleness can be lonely, yet that loneliness makes a space where God can — and often does — speak."

I would say that I rarely feel like a capable captain and more and more all I hear are the waves lapping at the sides of my boat. I graduate in just over four months and I'm waiting on the Lord to provide a direction. Do I go on to graduate school or do I stick with an RN? Where do I live and work while I get some experience? My heart beats for those who have never heard of Jesus, but I fear going back overseas by myself. I know the One Who Goes With me will lead me and care for me, but I struggle with the fear of loneliness, the fear of having to make decisions on my own, and the fear of failure. Though marriage may resolve some of those fears, it brings with it a new set of fears and struggles. This I know intellectually, but still I desire it. Where do I go from here is the question that plagues me continually.

Though I may not fully be content with my situation and though I have no idea what the future holds, I have to echo the words of the above mentioned author:

"Ultimately, singleness is teaching me that the horizon is forever. As long as we are finite beings following an infinite God, Spirit-driven sailors floating down paths that only He can see, we will always face a future that is shaped, not like a safe human construct, but like God Himself. I'll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me."

Father, I am following You wherever you lead me. Like the wind, I cannot see you, but you fill my little sails and take me on a never ending journey. I choose to trust you with the present and the future. For "not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus...but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

Sometimes you just have to eat the chicken....

Deep thoughts from my brother Lincoln:

Lincoln: "Rachel. Sometimes you just have to eat the chicken."

Me: huh?

Lincoln: "the chicken....before it goes bad."

Me: "what chicken?"

Lincoln: "the chicken [dramatic pause] in life."


What does that even mean? Is that a 14-year-old boy version of "seize the day?" or if the freezer defrosts eat all the ice cream before it melts? We've decided that Lincoln majors in pushing his family members' buttons and minors in comic relief. I guess it doesn't translate well to written words, but I'm trying to apply his profound words of wisdom to my life. ;)

kindred spirits

My dearest friends Hannah and Joanna (aka JoHannah) came to visit last weekend! Joanna is home from Jordan (yes...the Middle East) for the summer and Hannah needed a break from her 6 days/week of small kids. They came Friday night and we moved my mattress into the living room, made a bed on the floor for Hannah and Jo took the couch. We stayed up late and drank tea and ate chocolate chip cookies and laughed and caught up and just enjoyed each other.


Saturday we spent the morning working on Hannah's Children's church craft and doing hair and nails. We dressed up in cute sundresses, went to Bruegger's Bagles for lunch and then I dragged the girls out to David's Bridal to try on a bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding in October. From there we went and sauntered around town taking pictures. It was a HOT Charleston day, so we went to Kaminsky's for dessert and sipped on Cappucino floats and milk shakes while we enjoyed the air conditioning.
On a totally unrelated note, I'm learning to have a thankful heart (or maybe not...b/c I'm so thankful for my girls, but anyways...). I've been reading my Jesus Calling Devotional every morning. If you don't have this book, you should order online from Amazon or Barnes and Noble immediately, or ask me to give you a copy. On June 22nd, i read,

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My presence, which overshadows your problems." Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

The verses referenced by this devotional were Philippians 4:4-6. If you haven't memorized them, you should....they're a good reminder.

Anyway, that devotional kinda punched me in the face. The night before I was worrying about finances and the future and life in general and I was so convicted of having an ungrateful heart. So, this is what my journal entries have looked like for the past few days:

"Lord, thank you for a new day. Thank you for community nursing, peds pre-planning paperwork, and sim lab. Thank you for the chance to be recorded in sim lab and then watch all of my mistakes. Thank you for Dr. Hudson, Mrs. Williams and Dr. Smith. Thank you for my singleness and my desire to be married. Thank you in advance for changing my heart to be a grateful heart." (etc, etc.)

In the beginning it did seem contrived and awkward, but I've noticed a difference in my attitude during the day. The temptation to complain about one of said instructors or about the busy work is not as strong, and as I've chosen to be thankful even when I don't feel it, the Lord has responded by giving me a truly thankful heart.

The Lord has blessed me abundantly with friends and family. He continues to wake me up every morning and convict me of sin in my life and then he responds with blessing when I choose obedience. I love my Jesus and He loves me beyond words. He will provide for all my needs and His Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me.

Just out of reach

I have this constant feeling currently of missing something, forgetting something, or just not getting the whole picture. You know...the feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue or on the edge of your consciousness and not being able to recall or it. That is how I feel. It's a constant sense of not being satiated or not having my thirst quenched. It is frustrating. It niggles at the back of my mind and heart from the time I get up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night.

I first attributed it to the loss (temporary or not) of a friendship I enjoyed for so long. I feel like part of me is missing and daily there are conversations that remind of this person or events that make me want to call him and share them.

Though the absence of an active friendship may have triggered some of these feelings, the credit goes to the Lord for His creativity in drawing me to Him. I am convinced that this feeling of having something just out of reach is the "God-shaped vacuum" He has created within me. Those feelings of incompleteness are His constant reminder that this world is not my home. I stand before God made perfect by Christ's sacrifice. Nevertheless, for as long as I live in this world I am being conformed daily into His likeness. Feeling like I'm missing something draws me to Him and challenges me to both desire Him and to be satisfied in Him.

"why do you spend your money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me and eat what is good, And delight yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen, that you may live.... For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:2-3a, 8-9.


"Seek the Lord and his strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth."
Psalm 105:4-5

Numbness

Hypothermia is where I've been for the last few weeks.... I knew to be on guard against hardening my heart or growing bitter... but I was blind-sided with feelings of numbness. On one hand, it's a comfortable place to be for a while. Numb fingers and toes no longer feel the pain of coldness... they don't feel anything. On the other hand, they're in danger of tissue death due to frost bite. And there it is, my heart is in danger of death because of a general lack of any emotion. I was warned that self-protection was a trap, only meant to hurt me. I thought I was fighting against it and failed in the process because I was unprepared for the dangers of being anesthetized.

This comatose state has moved from my heart to the rest of my life. Rather than being overwhelmed by school I find myself in a position of not caring very much. Even worse it's affecting my quiet times with the Lord. I don't want pieces of my heart and mind to die. I want to be revived, renewed, and refined. In nursing school, assessing the problem (numb heart) is the first battle. Despite having succeeded in discovering and/or admitting the problem, I don't know where to go from here. I have friends who are holding me accountable to not settling for complacency and I am so thankful for them. What irony to know the problem and not know how to change it.

In the end, I'm tired of feeling numb and yet I'm scared of being vulnerable to all the emotions I could be feeling right now.

How can I not go back overseas???

Some days I wonder how long it will take me to go back overseas. Some days I remember how hard it was to be over there and I half tell the Lord that I'm not going back as a single woman. And then I'm gripped by a video like this and realize that it's worth the cost....it's worth my life. This is why I'm in nursing school, so that I can take care of the physical needs of those while I tell them of the One who takes care of their spiritual needs.

More and more I'm gripped with a sense of urgency. I don't know that the Lord will wait much longer before He comes back.

Lord Jesus, wait a while longer till more hear of Your glorious name. Don't let me grow complacent or distracted from the cause. Send more into the harvest.

Tears of the Saints from Acts1v8 on Vimeo.

my daddy loves me

My dad is an excellent picture of the way my Heavenly Father cares for me. There are countless verses throughout Scripture that speak to this concept, but Isaiah 25:4 is particularly true in my case: "for You have been a defense for the helpless, A defense for the needy in [her] distress, A refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat...." My dad represents God to me. In my sadness, he has been a refuge, a counsel, and a comforter.

Yesterday he became my defense, my advocate. This seems silly in 2009. I'm 26; old enough to take care of myself by the world's standards. Furthermore, one might say, I wasn't even in a dating relationship. It hadn't progressed to the point where I was being dumped. Thank goodness my daddy doesn't operate according to the world's standards. I will always be my father's daughter and he will always represent God to me. As a believer, he is called to care for his family. As a brother he is called to encourage his brothers, especially those younger than he is. Calls to maturity are few and far between these days, but yet my dad acted out of love both for me and the one by whom I was disappointed and challenged him to grown in maturity.

My sister's response to the situation was "what a great thing that we have a Dad who is willing to go to bat for us." I completely agree.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I thought for a while I was entering a new era of life. I allowed myself to be caught up in a few careless comments and actions. I dove wholeheartedly into the possibility of falling in love. I gave my heart to the Lord and let myself be vulnerable to the possibility of heartbreak, all the while praying that my heart wouldn't be broken and that my heart would be cherished by the one whom I wanted to love me. The Lord allowed me to be disappointed.

I identify myself with the character of Jane Eyre and am taking her words to heart. They are becoming my new mantra and I will not allow myself to be the victim.

When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination's boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.

Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night--of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rabidly devoured the ideal;--I pronounced judgment to this effect:-

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.
"YOU," I said, "a favourite with Mr. Rochester? YOU gifted with the power of pleasing him? YOU of importance to him in any way? Go! your folly sickens me. And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference--equivocal tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man of the world to a dependent and a novice. How dared you? Poor stupid dupe!--Could not even self- interest make you wiser? You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night?--Cover your face and be ashamed! He said something in praise of your eyes, did he? Blind puppy! Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness! It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior, who cannot possibly intend to marry her; and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it; and, if discovered and responded to, must lead, ignis-fatus-like, into miry wilds whence there is no extrication.

My heart has been injured, but I will not allow the seeds of bitterness to grow and make my heart hard. I will choose to surrender daily to the Lord's loving care. He is refining me and though it is not always comfortable, I trust Him. When I told my dearest friend Hannah of my sorrow, she exhorted me to read Psalm 73:21-28. I have taken verses 25-28 to heart.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works."

The Lord is my portion forever. No man or dream can replace a relationship with the Lord. I will remember that and tell of His works in my life.

small ripples

During Grandma's era of magic cereal, strawberry jello, chalk pictures sprayed with hairspray, and typing on her old typewriter, Grandma gave each of the grandkids a set of notepads with something catchy at the top like "Ripples from Rachel" and "Rhythms from Robert." I appreciated the notepads and used them all the time, but always thought I'd rather have rhythms rather than ripples. Now, I like the idea of "ripples from rachel." I'm not so good at rhythms and I would like my life and my actions to be a set of ripples that keep going, long after I've moved on or forgotten my actions. I want the Lord to work in my life in such a way that He is glorified in everything I do and that the people I meet and get to know see Him.....I want my life to be ripples for eternity.

I didn't appreciate the notepads when I had them...now I hoard the set that came later with "Notes from Rachel Marie" written at the top. If you ever get a note from me on one of those sheets of paper...count yourself blessed, I didn't part with it easily.