kindred spirits

My dearest friends Hannah and Joanna (aka JoHannah) came to visit last weekend! Joanna is home from Jordan (yes...the Middle East) for the summer and Hannah needed a break from her 6 days/week of small kids. They came Friday night and we moved my mattress into the living room, made a bed on the floor for Hannah and Jo took the couch. We stayed up late and drank tea and ate chocolate chip cookies and laughed and caught up and just enjoyed each other.


Saturday we spent the morning working on Hannah's Children's church craft and doing hair and nails. We dressed up in cute sundresses, went to Bruegger's Bagles for lunch and then I dragged the girls out to David's Bridal to try on a bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding in October. From there we went and sauntered around town taking pictures. It was a HOT Charleston day, so we went to Kaminsky's for dessert and sipped on Cappucino floats and milk shakes while we enjoyed the air conditioning.
On a totally unrelated note, I'm learning to have a thankful heart (or maybe not...b/c I'm so thankful for my girls, but anyways...). I've been reading my Jesus Calling Devotional every morning. If you don't have this book, you should order online from Amazon or Barnes and Noble immediately, or ask me to give you a copy. On June 22nd, i read,

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My presence, which overshadows your problems." Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

The verses referenced by this devotional were Philippians 4:4-6. If you haven't memorized them, you should....they're a good reminder.

Anyway, that devotional kinda punched me in the face. The night before I was worrying about finances and the future and life in general and I was so convicted of having an ungrateful heart. So, this is what my journal entries have looked like for the past few days:

"Lord, thank you for a new day. Thank you for community nursing, peds pre-planning paperwork, and sim lab. Thank you for the chance to be recorded in sim lab and then watch all of my mistakes. Thank you for Dr. Hudson, Mrs. Williams and Dr. Smith. Thank you for my singleness and my desire to be married. Thank you in advance for changing my heart to be a grateful heart." (etc, etc.)

In the beginning it did seem contrived and awkward, but I've noticed a difference in my attitude during the day. The temptation to complain about one of said instructors or about the busy work is not as strong, and as I've chosen to be thankful even when I don't feel it, the Lord has responded by giving me a truly thankful heart.

The Lord has blessed me abundantly with friends and family. He continues to wake me up every morning and convict me of sin in my life and then he responds with blessing when I choose obedience. I love my Jesus and He loves me beyond words. He will provide for all my needs and His Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me.

Just out of reach

I have this constant feeling currently of missing something, forgetting something, or just not getting the whole picture. You know...the feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue or on the edge of your consciousness and not being able to recall or it. That is how I feel. It's a constant sense of not being satiated or not having my thirst quenched. It is frustrating. It niggles at the back of my mind and heart from the time I get up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night.

I first attributed it to the loss (temporary or not) of a friendship I enjoyed for so long. I feel like part of me is missing and daily there are conversations that remind of this person or events that make me want to call him and share them.

Though the absence of an active friendship may have triggered some of these feelings, the credit goes to the Lord for His creativity in drawing me to Him. I am convinced that this feeling of having something just out of reach is the "God-shaped vacuum" He has created within me. Those feelings of incompleteness are His constant reminder that this world is not my home. I stand before God made perfect by Christ's sacrifice. Nevertheless, for as long as I live in this world I am being conformed daily into His likeness. Feeling like I'm missing something draws me to Him and challenges me to both desire Him and to be satisfied in Him.

"why do you spend your money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me and eat what is good, And delight yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen, that you may live.... For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:2-3a, 8-9.


"Seek the Lord and his strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth."
Psalm 105:4-5

Numbness

Hypothermia is where I've been for the last few weeks.... I knew to be on guard against hardening my heart or growing bitter... but I was blind-sided with feelings of numbness. On one hand, it's a comfortable place to be for a while. Numb fingers and toes no longer feel the pain of coldness... they don't feel anything. On the other hand, they're in danger of tissue death due to frost bite. And there it is, my heart is in danger of death because of a general lack of any emotion. I was warned that self-protection was a trap, only meant to hurt me. I thought I was fighting against it and failed in the process because I was unprepared for the dangers of being anesthetized.

This comatose state has moved from my heart to the rest of my life. Rather than being overwhelmed by school I find myself in a position of not caring very much. Even worse it's affecting my quiet times with the Lord. I don't want pieces of my heart and mind to die. I want to be revived, renewed, and refined. In nursing school, assessing the problem (numb heart) is the first battle. Despite having succeeded in discovering and/or admitting the problem, I don't know where to go from here. I have friends who are holding me accountable to not settling for complacency and I am so thankful for them. What irony to know the problem and not know how to change it.

In the end, I'm tired of feeling numb and yet I'm scared of being vulnerable to all the emotions I could be feeling right now.