Satisfied

We sang this song on Sunday...who knew it was a remake of an old hymn? Not I. Struck by the chorus I came home and googled the lyrics:

All my life long, I had thirsted

For a drink from some cool spring,

That I hoped would quench the burning

Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the filth around me,

Till my strength was almost gone,

Longed my soul for something better,

Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,

Something that would satisfy,

But the dust I gathered round me

Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,

Bread of life so rich and free,

Untold wealth that never faileth,

My Redeemer is to me.

Hallelujah! He has found me

The One my soul so long has craved!

Jesus satisfies all my longings

Through His blood I now am saved.

That is my desire: to truly say that He has satisfied all my longings. When I sing it, I can say in that moment that my desire is to be satisfied in Him. It's when I get caught up in the things around me, that I forget that He is all I desire. It's not a secret how much I desire a family. It's not made any easier by the fact that I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE! Not only that, but I've counted thirteen plus friends, five of whom are close friends, who are either pregnant now or have had babies in the last five months. I want it to be me....

So, daily I must remind myself that Jesus, not a husband or children, is the One my soul so long has craved. When I wake up in the morning and face the day, when I hear men tell their wives they love them, when I see pregnant moms rub their bellies, when I ponder all the decisions I must make alone about the future, and when I go to bed and wish I had someone with whom to process the days events; these are the moments I must choose to rejoice in the One who has found me and redeemed me and made me His own.

I'm so thankful He has found me, and adopted me....and daily forgives my wayward, ungrateful heart.

Preposterous Faithfulness

The book of Ruth is small. So small, in fact, that in my 90 day reading through the Bible, it does not even have its own day. It's couched on both sides by the end of Judges and the beginning of 1 Samuel. I read it yesterday and though I can list the books of the Old Testament faster than anyone you know, I was surprised when I came upon it. It consists of four short chapters, easy to miss when surrounded by books of import and grandeur.

I have to admit, as much as I like the story of Ruth, I'm more drawn to the story of Esther, the other woman to have a book of the Bible named for her. I can learn from Ruth, but I want to be Esther. That is, until yesterday.

The Lord opened my eyes to new things from the book of Ruth. In previous readings I focused on the development of the relationship between Ruth and Boaz. Of course I was drawn to the love story that unfolded. What girl isn't? I had never before questioned why Ruth followed Naomi. I didn't think about the fact that she was given the opportunity to return to her family. I put myself in her shoes. I married a foreigner and now my husband is dead, along with my brother-in-law and my father-in-law. We hadn't even had children yet. My mother-in-law tells me to go back to my family because she has no more sons to continue the family name. Now, other than my husband, my family is the most precious thing to me in the world. Yet, for some strange reason, I'm compelled to go with my mother-in-law back to her own country. This is crazy!!! I know women who have good relationships with their mother-in-law, but for Ruth to actually say goodbye to her family and leave her own country to go with her is absurd. It's not mentioned in the text, but I have to attribute it to the Lord speaking to her. Why else would she leave her home and her country and go to a foreign land with a woman who changes her name to mean "bitter?" The consequences of this action are huge: if she had never gone with Naomi to Bethlehem, King David would never have been born and thus would have ended the genealogy leading to Jesus the Messiah.

The next time I wonder why God is leading me in a certain, seemingly nonsensical, direction, I will remember Ruth and the continuation of the Messianic line by her faithfulness to Naomi. I will trust the Lord that He is working out His marvelous plan even if I can only see the barest fragment of the picture.

Oh and if you're interested in the 90 day reading through the Bible, you can find it here.

"Single at Sea"

Recently I was strolling along the battery and waterfront with two friends discussing what type of boat best represents our personalities and/or lives. Though I'd like to be a sailboat, sometimes my life feels more like a small rowboat. We moved on to discussing what our names would be and I was at a loss as to what I would name my little boat, until I read an article on Boundless about the ship of singleness. That is me...I'm "Single at Sea." The author of the article, describes the conflict between the desire to get married and the uncertainty that God is calling her to get married. She writes, "Often I feel like a capable captain aboard my little ship, but other times I sit down very small and swallow a lump in my throat as I face out at that big, big world. The waves lapping at my boat are the only sound. Still, as unsteady as my footing can feel, being out at sea is an adventure with a lot to teach me..... Life as a single woman may feel frighteningly untethered, but all this expanse of sky has a lot to teach me about the vastness of God and His infinite wonder, power and love. Singleness can be lonely, yet that loneliness makes a space where God can — and often does — speak."

I would say that I rarely feel like a capable captain and more and more all I hear are the waves lapping at the sides of my boat. I graduate in just over four months and I'm waiting on the Lord to provide a direction. Do I go on to graduate school or do I stick with an RN? Where do I live and work while I get some experience? My heart beats for those who have never heard of Jesus, but I fear going back overseas by myself. I know the One Who Goes With me will lead me and care for me, but I struggle with the fear of loneliness, the fear of having to make decisions on my own, and the fear of failure. Though marriage may resolve some of those fears, it brings with it a new set of fears and struggles. This I know intellectually, but still I desire it. Where do I go from here is the question that plagues me continually.

Though I may not fully be content with my situation and though I have no idea what the future holds, I have to echo the words of the above mentioned author:

"Ultimately, singleness is teaching me that the horizon is forever. As long as we are finite beings following an infinite God, Spirit-driven sailors floating down paths that only He can see, we will always face a future that is shaped, not like a safe human construct, but like God Himself. I'll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me."

Father, I am following You wherever you lead me. Like the wind, I cannot see you, but you fill my little sails and take me on a never ending journey. I choose to trust you with the present and the future. For "not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus...but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

Sometimes you just have to eat the chicken....

Deep thoughts from my brother Lincoln:

Lincoln: "Rachel. Sometimes you just have to eat the chicken."

Me: huh?

Lincoln: "the chicken....before it goes bad."

Me: "what chicken?"

Lincoln: "the chicken [dramatic pause] in life."


What does that even mean? Is that a 14-year-old boy version of "seize the day?" or if the freezer defrosts eat all the ice cream before it melts? We've decided that Lincoln majors in pushing his family members' buttons and minors in comic relief. I guess it doesn't translate well to written words, but I'm trying to apply his profound words of wisdom to my life. ;)

kindred spirits

My dearest friends Hannah and Joanna (aka JoHannah) came to visit last weekend! Joanna is home from Jordan (yes...the Middle East) for the summer and Hannah needed a break from her 6 days/week of small kids. They came Friday night and we moved my mattress into the living room, made a bed on the floor for Hannah and Jo took the couch. We stayed up late and drank tea and ate chocolate chip cookies and laughed and caught up and just enjoyed each other.


Saturday we spent the morning working on Hannah's Children's church craft and doing hair and nails. We dressed up in cute sundresses, went to Bruegger's Bagles for lunch and then I dragged the girls out to David's Bridal to try on a bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding in October. From there we went and sauntered around town taking pictures. It was a HOT Charleston day, so we went to Kaminsky's for dessert and sipped on Cappucino floats and milk shakes while we enjoyed the air conditioning.
On a totally unrelated note, I'm learning to have a thankful heart (or maybe not...b/c I'm so thankful for my girls, but anyways...). I've been reading my Jesus Calling Devotional every morning. If you don't have this book, you should order online from Amazon or Barnes and Noble immediately, or ask me to give you a copy. On June 22nd, i read,

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My presence, which overshadows your problems." Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

The verses referenced by this devotional were Philippians 4:4-6. If you haven't memorized them, you should....they're a good reminder.

Anyway, that devotional kinda punched me in the face. The night before I was worrying about finances and the future and life in general and I was so convicted of having an ungrateful heart. So, this is what my journal entries have looked like for the past few days:

"Lord, thank you for a new day. Thank you for community nursing, peds pre-planning paperwork, and sim lab. Thank you for the chance to be recorded in sim lab and then watch all of my mistakes. Thank you for Dr. Hudson, Mrs. Williams and Dr. Smith. Thank you for my singleness and my desire to be married. Thank you in advance for changing my heart to be a grateful heart." (etc, etc.)

In the beginning it did seem contrived and awkward, but I've noticed a difference in my attitude during the day. The temptation to complain about one of said instructors or about the busy work is not as strong, and as I've chosen to be thankful even when I don't feel it, the Lord has responded by giving me a truly thankful heart.

The Lord has blessed me abundantly with friends and family. He continues to wake me up every morning and convict me of sin in my life and then he responds with blessing when I choose obedience. I love my Jesus and He loves me beyond words. He will provide for all my needs and His Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me.

Just out of reach

I have this constant feeling currently of missing something, forgetting something, or just not getting the whole picture. You know...the feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue or on the edge of your consciousness and not being able to recall or it. That is how I feel. It's a constant sense of not being satiated or not having my thirst quenched. It is frustrating. It niggles at the back of my mind and heart from the time I get up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night.

I first attributed it to the loss (temporary or not) of a friendship I enjoyed for so long. I feel like part of me is missing and daily there are conversations that remind of this person or events that make me want to call him and share them.

Though the absence of an active friendship may have triggered some of these feelings, the credit goes to the Lord for His creativity in drawing me to Him. I am convinced that this feeling of having something just out of reach is the "God-shaped vacuum" He has created within me. Those feelings of incompleteness are His constant reminder that this world is not my home. I stand before God made perfect by Christ's sacrifice. Nevertheless, for as long as I live in this world I am being conformed daily into His likeness. Feeling like I'm missing something draws me to Him and challenges me to both desire Him and to be satisfied in Him.

"why do you spend your money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me and eat what is good, And delight yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen, that you may live.... For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:2-3a, 8-9.


"Seek the Lord and his strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth."
Psalm 105:4-5

Numbness

Hypothermia is where I've been for the last few weeks.... I knew to be on guard against hardening my heart or growing bitter... but I was blind-sided with feelings of numbness. On one hand, it's a comfortable place to be for a while. Numb fingers and toes no longer feel the pain of coldness... they don't feel anything. On the other hand, they're in danger of tissue death due to frost bite. And there it is, my heart is in danger of death because of a general lack of any emotion. I was warned that self-protection was a trap, only meant to hurt me. I thought I was fighting against it and failed in the process because I was unprepared for the dangers of being anesthetized.

This comatose state has moved from my heart to the rest of my life. Rather than being overwhelmed by school I find myself in a position of not caring very much. Even worse it's affecting my quiet times with the Lord. I don't want pieces of my heart and mind to die. I want to be revived, renewed, and refined. In nursing school, assessing the problem (numb heart) is the first battle. Despite having succeeded in discovering and/or admitting the problem, I don't know where to go from here. I have friends who are holding me accountable to not settling for complacency and I am so thankful for them. What irony to know the problem and not know how to change it.

In the end, I'm tired of feeling numb and yet I'm scared of being vulnerable to all the emotions I could be feeling right now.